you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The air taste purple.
Randomize
