some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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