I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
