Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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