I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
