tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
