The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
