Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
