You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
