Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
