Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
