What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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