You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
