i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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