i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
