I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
