if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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