I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
