just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
