it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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