In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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