he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I die, sorry about rent.
and you fell through a lawn chair
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
