took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
