I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I AM VODKA MAN
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
