Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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