I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
