I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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