You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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