Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
