Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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