The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think I just shit out all my problems.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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