The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
