I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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