Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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