Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
