it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
