It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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