ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
