my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
