my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
