I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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