she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
