Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
birth control should be required to get into college
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
