I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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