i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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