Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
