I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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