Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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