Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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