lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
