I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
