I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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