wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We had sex on a dog bed..
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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