my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
