singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
