Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
