Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
